Gimble Treadmill – Dry Reach

When I opened my eyes I found myself looking at shimmering golden biled water at the bottom of a china white eliptical valley, such beauty until I noticed the Royal Doulton crest and became conscious of the fact that I was dry reaching into the toilet. Usually I ensure that I have enough alcoholic drink the night before so as to avoid this body wrenching withdrawel process but fell asleep in my swivel and rock because I got the Ibuprofen mixed up with the Rohypnol. My body was locked in a long arched mid convulse which made my ears pop and my eyes bulge to the point of detaching themselves from their retinas, explosion was near and the only relief was a violent ninety second fart which woke Mrs Treadders. ‘Are you alright darling?’ The sound of her annoying Germanic tinged accent allowed me to complete my convulsion with the final heave and eject the last dribble of bile. ‘Does it sound like it you stupid cow! You must have poisoned me with your apology of a meal last night, phone work for me and tell them you’ve given me food poisening!’ I heard her get up and  scuttle downstairs to make the call, sweat was pouring profusely from every pore in my body and I crawled back to bed to let the mattress soak it up ensuring I lay on her side of the double divan.

The house was dry of alcohol and I’d passed the point of no return, it was to my reckoning about six thirty and the fear was permeating my DNA to the extent I was fear, delerium tremens was only a nerve ending away. I was physically tired after my wretching and drifted into the first phase which was a conscious dream like state of sexually driven macabre hallucinatory surreality. I had carved off the outer labia of a huge pied sow and was trying to super glue them to my lips when Mrs Treadders appeared with a one thousand five hundred piece jigsaw of a Canadian sawmill, ‘Thought this would keep you amused if your going to stay in bed’, ‘I’d rather stick pigs labia on my face’ I replied, she looked slightly bemused and said she was going to get ready for the coffee morning she had planned for her dullard lame duck friends. Every time the blood pumped through my temples the bedroomed dimmed, I heard the door slam shut, when I looked it was  open, auditory hallucination was paying a visit also. My mothers voice whispered ‘Gimble…….Gimble’ in my left ear while my fat robot secretary read the minutes of yesterdays meeting in my right. ‘This just won’t do’ I said out loud and trembled my way out of bed, put my dressing gown on and sat on the side of the bed to think of a plan. Alcohol was the only solution, the village shop was open at eight thirty, it seemed like an Everest away but it had to be done or else my mind told me I was going to die.

I had become devoid of all rationality and slipped my brogues on to my bare feet and left the house in my dressing gown on a quest to liberate myself from insanity. Booze was only a three hundred yard walk away, the normies where driving their little cloven hoofed offspring to school, there was a slight drizzle in the air and a cool breeze refreshed my bare legs as I staggered toward the shop doorway. ‘Morning Mr Treadmill, just got up?’ ‘No! just got ready for bed and forgot my nightcap, give me five bottles of Sherry and some pork scratchings’ I left the shop and ignored the middle class looks and whispers, judgemental bastards. I immediatly cracked open the first bottle and drank it while walking along the high street on my way to the deserted cricket green and made myself comfortable on a bench in the pavillion. Sherry is a good one to get started on, warming and nourishing, easy to drink and soothing to the sore rasped gullet that had been in a state of bodily fluid rejection earlier. It stayed down beautifully and after the third bottle watching the drizzle turn to proper English rain I was beginning to function again. I marvelled at the way I felt, happy, relaxed and in good spirits, so much so I thought I’d go home, have a bath and spend the rest of the day in an obscure pub where I wasn’t known too well and get right royal pissed, an unplanned day off, the best!

On my return Mrs Treadders said ‘Where have you been?’ in such an abrupt way I had no option other than to poke her in the eye. I apologised and said it was an accident as I took the keys to the V12 5.4 Jag and drove out for the day with two bottles of Sherry in the glove box for the journey. The horrors of early morning were all but a bad memory, the sun was poking its little head through the clouds as I drove off into the green and pleasant pastures of rural England with Jerusalem playing on my tape player. I sank back into the Antelope leather and promised myself I would never make the mistake of not having enough to drink again……..never again!

Routines

The cars run riot until five in the morning

Debris of chemically fucked humans

On their way home only to awake back into their nightmare of routine

A man is crawling along the pavement

He looks at the drop of a kerb, hesitates

By the fear on his face it must look like the sheer drop to oblivion

But he’s already there and doesn’t realise

He lands the four or five inches and Snow Angels  into the road

Waiting for the fall but he’s already fallen

An ever cycling routine to escape routine

Pulling himself across the white line of the road

The next kerb awaits, this time it’s the highest mountain to climb

He succeeds as low as he is physically, mentally

An achievement, he trys to walk but staggers

There is no left or right that he’s aware of

But the reverence of minimal height danger has brought him to his feet

An achievement for him far in excess of clearing his in tray

Collateral damage of the norm.

He’ll wake on Monday and repeat the subroutine of Corporeal

So he can wait to escape again into his most beloved routine

But there’s no escape as his coping methods cycle and become routine

Perhaps only the bliss of being hit by a bus awaits

Or becoming so insane he can’t remember sanity

He’d be a lucky bastard.

Gratitude – Choice

It is with gratitude I thank all the governments and ruling classes for this amazing world,

Thank you for the safety of working to rent space to live our lives on this planet,

Thank you for for the opportunity for us to earn money so we can buy property

So that we can buy ‘nice’ stuff to put in our properties, that’s freedom.

Thank you for our lives, if it wasn’t for you we wouldn’t live in happiness

We love to be tied to our nine to fives to give us something to do during the day,

The informative television to entertain after us after a hard days graft.

The truth of the news we can tune into to let us know whats happening in the world,

The wars are great fun now we can watch the the goodies educating the baddies. There’s nothing better than seeing the baddies get bombed and eliminated.

The non biased information that we can enjoy on a daily basis in the papers

The freedom of reading such interesting non judgmental information in the media.

Thanks for ridding the streets of homeless scum and putting them away

For they are not human if they are not worthy to join in with real life.

Thanks for the transport to allow us to get to our glorious halls of corporate refuge, where we are looked after if we keep our noses clean and follow corporate policy.

Thank you for Christian Religion and holy places where we can clean our souls.

Thanks for pointing out the niggers, wogs, paki’s and rag heads and people of dirty colour and keeping them in their place for our safety.

Thanks for relinquishing them from their oil, diamonds, gold and minerals, what need do these heathens have for such riches?

Thank you for the British National Party they could be our redemption. They understand freedom and will help this phenomenal country reach it’s full potential by keeping our country white and British.

Let’s all fly the Flag of St George and celebrate our Nuclear armouries.

Thanks for clearing all that useless countryside and rain forests, we need to build, develop and rape.

Lets hope one day we will live in a global economy where we all sing from the same hymn sheet.

God live England and St George, The Whitehouse and the UN, what a great world we live in, it most definitely is a Human ‘race’ for prosperity at any cost.

I thank you for all of this as it gives me such definition to not be a part of your illusion.

Diary entries JAN/FEB 2010 (Out of my mind Part One)

Sunday 24^th January 2010

Well, the suns out and my world seems warmer. Having so much fun playing with creating, allowing and making my life fantastic. What a transition and I can’t say how this understanding of creation which is evolving for me has changed my life.

What seemed at first a very very scary proposition i.e. everything that we experience we personally create has turned into a sense of freedom, almost total freedom which is far from the way I have always understood what being ‘free’ was about.

I first read a book about three years ago by Gill Edwards which scared the pants off me, my mind told me to stay clear. However this was the seed that has grown to lead me further into this way of life today. Mark N came along at exactly the right time, I realise now that chance meeting we had after he taxied me home after a shift at the De-tox where I was working at the time was created by me. I was crying out for help during that time, I was slowly going mad with work overload and sinking to the point of giving up. From the start of our relationship I felt safer, there was someone out there who seemed to understand all that I was saying, the rest is history. We worked therapeutically close together and from my first session with Mark I knew that there was something else going on, something much deeper than NLP hypnotherapy, it was a new beginning for me and since 2006 my life has changed and moved forward positively.

Today I am happy, joyous with some positive direction and being in the moment is awesome.

Monday 25^th January 2010

Well, one of those ideal days which would be frowned upon by the entrenched. Woke up about eleven after a very late night of working.

Why does my creativity start about midnight? Those early hours of the mornings feel like mine, relieved that the illusion is asleep until it grinds its way up to speed by nine’ish. I’m well asleep during this process, four a.m. feeling about the right time to go to bed.

The first thing I did was make a few hot sweet cups of tea, eat some cheese and rolled a fag. Then the moment I realise I’ve so much to do, band stuff, I haven’t written anything for ages, The Brink guide has got to be moved on quickly and after a while it all settles down again. I realise that in my day as long as I work from about eight until four I’m cool and allowed myself to drift into the day.

Mani called about midday and we laughed drank tea a got a little stoned together, sat relaxed and had a Dug n’ Mani chat that soon shot off in every direction, we have no control over that. Henry turned up as Mani was leaving and it was good to watch them meet after such a long time.

I’d never cut anyone’s hair until the end of last year, Hen was over here having dinner one night and was talking about getting a ‘High top’ a 90′s black cut. We somehow got round to me getting my hair clippers out and Hen putting his trust in my yet unknown talents. I so enjoyed it and found it quite relaxing, confident, take it slowly etc. To continue we’re about six cuts in and I know exactly what he wants now.

Hen let me use a No.1 on his hair we’re working on, a bit of adventure for us both I think but Hen is getting a bit more faith in what I can do, so am I. Tonight we created the best ever, yeah I seem to have some sort of skill in cutting but Hen helps with the creativity and teaches me.

So…..up at 11, best friend and a smoke, great conversation, laughter, special; my son spending some time with me and a creative afternoon cutting hair. Now, I’ve been working for an hour and a half ‘properly’ feeling PR’y tonight.

Saturday 6^th February 2010

Feeling so good, feeling so brave, the more one creates the more knowledge to create, the more magical the world. I managed to manifest an alarm call the other morning, it was important I got up at 7.30, Mark had just left so I was buzzing after our conversation thus creating a high frequency, perfect time to create. My mobile phone had broken after six years of good service and had also, as a bonus, woken me up with it’s alarm. I asked to be woken at 7.30, put some purity into the request and had faith in it working. I took and old wrist watch and put it by the side of the bed so I’d have some idea of the time. I awoke in a bit of a panic, grabbed the watch just in time to see the second hand go past the long hand which was slap bang on the six, the small hand pointing at the seven. I laughed, looked again, and again. I remember shouting ‘Brilliant, thank you!’.

The truth that we create our lives, we create everything that loves us and bites us hard on the arse sometimes. Once I had the realisation that I was totally responsible for my life, the meaning of my life is to experience in a physical form, it’s changed the way I live my life. Everyday is an adventure, a blank page for you to create what you want, isn’t that so explosively funny? It makes me chortle. It’s the same laugh I felt when I was five.

#On Wednesday I said to Mark, ‘Look I’ve got three quid to last me until next Tuesday, but I know everything is going to be alright money wise, something will happen’. The next night Sue took me out for dinner, Friday I walked to Si’s where he had arranged a surprise for the weekend, Si paid. Friday Paul said he’d be over Saturday afternoon and offered me twenty quid if I wanted, in the mean time we had received an email from our friends that the money had been paid. This afternoon Paul arrived with sixty three quid for me, we had a huge breakfast and I bought fags and shopping.

I’ve found my leading thought can sometimes be sabotaged by another thought that questions what I’m doing, i.e. the mind/ego doing it’s dirty tricks. Once I got the knowledge of going out of my mind and observing it, I can tell know where I’m working from, mind or heart. When I’m connected I can feel it, can’t describe it too well as it’s difficult to put into words, but I’m in a space free of the demands, judgments, expectancy’s of this world and there is a transceiver link happening, connection to the ‘source’.

While I was writing paragraph # I had a connection available to feel what it was like riding on the edge of time, imagine standing at the edge of a waterfall with a massive drop, the water being your past and the bit before you go over, the present, just before you create the next millisecond of your life, a marvelous experience I’m still able to relay in my head. I was being spoken to which as I felt the connection, said ‘right! That’s it, stay in this connection, whoops that’s your mind, stay here, stay with me, stay with it’ helping me try and stay in tune, and then full connection, the message ‘be open’ actually allowed me to be fully open without the usual fight with mind, it was superiorly stronger.

Sunday 7^th February 2010

I woke this morning contented and happy but saw Henry’s facebook page and noticed Kate’s coming down to Brighton on Wednesday. My mind has used that to torment me a bit, I’m ok but I need help from Source and asked for Katy and myself to find peace with each other and for me to have her back in my life. Feeling melancholy.

Monday 9^th February 2010

Just got to get this one off my chest and it will come out as it is, unedited. I am really fucking annoyed at the imminent demise of BBC 6 which I believe replaced the old GLR quite nicely, shame you can’t get it on FM. This is one of the important outlets for the independent artist and we could be going off the air.

Ever listened to the cack on Radio 1 and other mainstreams, the music is not at all representative of leading edge music, artists that you’ll find here on Myspace, Reverbnation and Facebook sites, music you’ll hear if you tune into a Internet station, without blowing smoke up anyones arse Scrub Radio provide a great service to us all.

I work on the PC a lot with the work I do and because I can’t exist without almost constant music the radio is never on (Ok Radio Four occasionally, Archers etc.), I listen to the ever expanding network of amazing musicians and people who appreciate real music.

If anyone out there is not tapping into this you’re missing out so badly. Put one of the auto players on, reminds me a bit of the days when radio was emerging during the 60′s and 70′s. Ok they’ll be some stuff you’ll hear that will pass you by but often there’s a tune that will make you get off your arse and check the bands name out.

If/When BBC 6 is put to sleep in exchange for a ‘slicked up’ version of BBC Radio 2 there will be a sadness mixed with a bit of anger. An even more mainstream Radio 2? Surely there must be some viable commercial proposition to be had in broadcasting real music, rather than the manufactured?

Letters on a postcard please as Myspace is playing up, I don’t even know at the mo whether or not this will get to you (Let’s hope we’re not losing another one) – Best – Dug

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I had the remarkable experience again of being present in the unfolding of time, you’re creating and observing every milli milli millisecond etc. ……….unfold in front of you. Being on the front seat at the top of the bus helped, in fact initiated it at the bottom of North Road and because of that immense rush of awe came joy, from a dull miserable day, by the time I got to TK Max the sun had broken through, warmth through the window and the sunshine reflecting into my eyes from the gold on the clocktower roof, I smiled in knowing, by the time I was on the Western Road riding in that tiniest of margins the creation of the now with a huge smile on my face’.

One puzzlement I had as I saw the busy people dodging town traffic, was am I responsible for creating all of this? Then I started to get a little worried when I thought someone was going to take one of those chancy traffic defying risks, ‘No! Stay there!’ in my head, a care for everything in my existence.

In this moment I think I’ve cracked it, of course we are because we are responsible for all in our existence, therefore we should naturally create a more caring environment. I mean you don’t often deliberately, physically, punch yourself really hard in the eye. As one of countless examples, if someone had a mental condition where one did repeatedly punch their selves in the eye there would be enough collective care around to make their ride a little more loving and meaningful to manifest their reality with abundance and joy rather than lack.

Would I be creating the people and all life form?

An explanation would be the you have the opportunity to create your experience as others have the same opportunity, we might not even be seeing the same colours, which has been a very early thought, junior school, how do I know my green isn’t your red. You can’t be certain of the colour but you can be certain that you’ll use the same name, think about i). Everyones having a different experience but we share the same playground in form so that we can use our senses, have feelings, emotions, the glue is love, when all works as one.

Henry and myself had such an awesome evening, he said something that struck home. When Hen has something to say it’s worth listening to, he’s an old Soul and I can see Souls.

I realised this when I first worked with the homeless in drug addiction, everyone has a Soul and it’s them. I’ve had the hardest men sit down in front of me with a reputation of manslaughter, armed robbery, war vet’s, extreme violence and we’ve always found a level where we can meet soul to soul where a connection is made, like “Oh yeah we’re all the same aren’t we, it’s safe”. I’ve got to feel that too and when it emerges it is beautiful, when those clients let go. I made some of the most wonderful friends there, I didn’t give a shit about boundaries because once you’ve met like that you know whatever your doing is therapeutic. Most but a few are dead now but a real eye opener into humanity (i.e. lack of it).

It happens with all friends of mine, I do try and show my soul a lot with friends, it’s like sending a message to them that “Look here’s mine so it’s safe”. That message is at a subconscious level, but I generally want to make everyone who visits at ease, If I’ve invited them to my flat then I’m interested in ‘them’.

He sad it was so sad what happened to our family and for the first time I could feel a smidge of that sadness. I got through it by concentrating on not drinking and those first two years in the Gravesend flat feel like a bit of a trip, many nights worrying how Deb and the kids were in the flat at Riverview. I often walked back and forth between the two locations about two miles apart to check on things and see the kids. However I never once cried I and haven’t since. I’ve cried many times when I had to say goodbye to Kate and Henry at the end of a stay, but not over the demise of my marriage to Deb.

For me the situation had turned into a huge unstable ship that definitely was going down and there was nothing I could do, I felt useless burnt out and depressed. I suppose I maintained a lifestyle of ‘very very fast’ starting as a computer operator at eighteen until I blew up at 33, fifteen years of flat out which only got faster and faster until out of control.

When Deb came into the bedroom to hang some shirts up in Rose Cottage I remember it being a sunny morning. I remember the words “Dug, I never thought I’d be saying this but I’m going to try to get a flat in Gravesend with the kids, I can’t carry on like this” this was said in such grief, “I felt shocked however an inevitable expected salvo of mass destruction, the catylist”. With a heady mix of losing everything you’ve ever loved and a relief they were safely leaving the ship before the ugly bit. I could now scupper the ship and whether I went down with it was not a consideration it was fact, I had enough pain killer for a while but that doesn’t work forever.

I used to get up in the mornings and say “Oh shit! Another fuckin day! The dawn chorus used to make me puke with anxiety, I sweated, looked at the alarm and used to think “It’s all starting up again in a few hours”. The next two hours were spent going in and out of the most scariest of consciousness’s, beyond imagination and thinking of every excuse of getting out of the day while wrestling a deathly white hangover, such a contrast to our Swedish life together. We were such good friends and most importantly made each other laugh, we’ll get that back one day,

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Friday 12^th February 2010

Just had a fantastic manifestation idea, have just put a valentines message to Janie, my first ever love, you know how it is, very special, I know that by the end of this month March we’ll be in contact. One message on the facebook that’s all. As I posted I thought it was as though it’s already happening, going to play The Heavy Metal Kids “It’s the same” on again and think of Janie, my first girl mate too. I so want to catch up with her, I heard her voice then, as it would be now, more mature.

Sunday 14^th February 2010

Heard the first bird of 2010 this afternoon followed by a Seagull squawk. The seagulls have been very quiet over the last few weeks, it’s good to have them back.

Letter to Hermione

Nice work mate, we’re keeping the vortex up there!!

More importantly I think I understand a bit of what you’re going through. If your saying you’ve lost faith in your religion, one you’ve trusted for some years I would imagine, that’s a big ol rug to have pulled from under your feet, in fact you’ve pulled it from under your own feet! However losing faith in religion is not losing faith in God, in my view it takes another hurdle out of the way, go direct., (for want of a better word) Go there as ‘Hermione’ now, without any pre conceived idea’s illusions of what this world has indoctrinated you with. I’m told quite often to ‘BE OPEN’ like a big reminder, Gods always trying to communicate with us it’s whether we’re open to receive it or let it get twisted and tainted in our minds and lost in the mayer. Anyway I’m sure it’s waiting to hear from ‘Hermione’, your in control.

What’s the meaning of life? Well from all my spiritual studies since the age 33 I have learnt that we are here to create a wonderful life or ourselves, we have the freedom to create so we can experience in this amazing playground and have adventures, for me life is an awesome trip and if we create with love one’s whole journey opens up, anything is possible.

Go on have a play with God, he, it, she, loves it! (We must talk)

Wednesday 18^th February 2009

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This album contains some of the most intimate music you may ever listen to. All of the artists that appear on this album share the same home; the warmth and freedom of being completely independent and under no pressure from what the ‘music biz’ says is vogue.

This collection of songs bloom with melody and honest, sometimes witty lyrics from each of the artists heart, freefall emotion without self judgment.

Heart is where the Home is.

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I’ve not had much creative juices flowing for a while now, my writing originally came from past experiences, the abhorrence of the human illusion but more importantly the path to how I’ve found this new and expanding knowledge as my consciousness emerges.

So do I write about the future, how can I? It hasn’t happened yet but I need to write in a way that might encourage others to see through the human illusion and realise that we are no more important than any other living organism.

Everything is alive with energy albeit vibrating at different frequencies, e.g. a rock will have a low frequency, low but still it has a frequency. The grand design is energy in different configurations, the more conscious the configuration the higher the frequency. We are spiritual (FWOABW) beings allowed for a short while to experience within that energy in form.

We choose how we live through that experience, those who are asleep will be ‘sort of’ happy’ living within that illusion . I spent the early part of my life adhering to the instructions and tethers of that world with the knowledge I was playing a role.

It felt dishonest as I new from the age of five after an unquestionable communication that it was so ridiculous we thought we were so important, we believe that we run the world, I was shown how the whole intricate design of what seemed like an infinite symmetrical pure construction; and we think we’re in charge, laughter bought me to my knees.

I plunged myself into the illusion at sixteen and immediately felt I was being dragged into something that had been marketed to me like an advertisement you might see on the TV, the one where they promise something which you knows a lie, no-one could get a shirt that white.

I eventually had to make a choice as that world nearly killed me throughout the eighties as I climbed my way to six figure salaries

I died for a while in an alcoholic detox ward on the, I will never be afraid of death, it’s safe, caring and during that passage I was given the choice to either keep moving toward the light or go back, “You still have a lot of work to do back there and don’t forget your children”. Without hesitation I scrambled back into my physical body. The communication was as familiar as the five year old experience like a voice of home. The next day I walked as best I could with a head full of Diazepam and leg cramps to the Hospital shop and with my last couple of quid bought a pen and an exercise book. I remember finding a small desk in my ward I shared with one other, the sun was shining on the book, I wrote a few lines, it felt like a new life beginning.

I’ve spent the last eighteen years piecing my whole life together in many many notebooks, coming to the conclusion that we create everything that happens to us either consciously or subconsciously which will have knock on effects to others, the same as their thoughts have an effect on us. It’s how we deal with those situations.

Recently my daughter has had some issues with me where she doesn’t want to hear from me for an undefined time, when I got the message from her I obviously panicked, heart leaping out of my chest, cold sweat but in minutes a peace. I realised immediately that this was a test, I can either embrace it with love as an experience with no attachment and let love prevail or I can let it drive me into a low that would have led to depression, anxiety, self judgment, low self esteem and guilt.

It was a test of all I’ve learnt, especially over the last four years, yes I created hell for them at a very early age for which no words in any language of this world could express how sorry I am. It was sad to think of her being so unhappy and having to write such a letter but it showed courage and esteem. I know all will be well, any situation that is approached in true love will have a wonderful outcome some time in the future. ——–

Thursday 18^th February 2010

Didn’t wake up until half past one after a late night, bit lowish when I awoke and immediately rang Simon to let him know I forgot to ring Nick last night. I woke Si ‘Yeah I was asleep’, guilt. I let this colour the first hour of the day adding to the low. All of my tasks came rushing towards me, band work which I’m behind on, Brink work, that’s money, money for the weekend, money for the rehearsal; yup mind was running me for the first bit of the day which I caught on to quickly.

I read last nights work which inspired me, I’m listening to some old Be Bop Deluxe albums, Bill Nelson was such an awesome guitarist and song writer. This music takes me back to my early band days at the Prince of Wales Gravesend, the Sunday jam sessions, that’s where I got my blooding. I remember the first gig with Suspect, a Wednesday night and the place was rammed with friends and other Gravesend muso mates, what an experience and really good feed back, Deb dancing in front of the band, God I still love that women. (Now my mind tried there to think make me think about the loss of Deb rather than the fantastic times we had together, the adventures into the unknown, the camaraderie which is a joyous thought of love and sunny days, pot half full half empty etc.

Now I’m out of my mind I am a lot happier, being your mind can lay you so flat as ego tries to keep you in your place, the what ifs etc. Once out of your mind you can observe what it’s doing, catch it trying to throw the negative thoughts about, watch it trying to grow a negative thought pattern into something overwhelming, observe it’s craftiness as it tries to creep up on you with the same issue in disguise. At first I found this such a task but the more awareness I’ve practiced the easier it has become and trains me to repeatedly go back to working from the soul, the source.

We’re getting closer…….

Thursday 2nd July 2009

Ok go for it Dug: Ever since the age of five I have been waiting for this moment and it feels it’s getting closer and closer.

I’ve never written about this before through thought of being judged however it doesn’t matter anymore. That is what my life has been about, the search for a solution and the knowledge that there’s a big one coming in the not too distant future, which will give us the opportunity to totally change the way we live for the positive. Something happened back there in 64.

From my earliest memories I can remember being quite happy playing in my own company knowing that my mum was around was all I needed. The odd clatter from the kitchen, the dust pan and brush etc. comforting noises I can remember clear as day. I sat in the back room on a rug in full view of the breakfast room and kitchen, watching my mum create lunch steam from the kitchen, carry coal in to put on the two open fires while I played with my two favourite toys. I had a wind up tin bear that turned the pages of a tin abc book and a little red dog that I got stuck in the side of my mouth to my mum’s hysteria that I was choking. I had very early memories that I still astound my parents what I can remember from about eighteen months old.

The journey of my childhood and teens is another book but for the purpose of this book there is one specific moment when I was five that totally changed my life. It is almost impossible to put into words, a vision, a transmission, a voice, words could never describe the actual event but what follows is me trying to explain in the latter.

A complete empiric experience of the Universe in all its love and pure symmetry, what seemed like every bit of knowledge that existed, truth; fired at me in a few seconds, a feeling of complete oneness, the laughable way we as humans have wrestled an illusion together for our own needs not having a clue to the meaning of life. I looked round at our house and couldn’t stop laughing, it just seemed ludicrous, I thought everyones facing the wrong way and the solution is so easy, as easy as one plus one.

My mother came out into the garden to me as I was rolling about laughing, “Are you ok?” and I replied still laughing said “Yes I know everything” and for those seconds did. I ran to my bedroom and put my head on my bed kneeling to try and induce something that I thought would be with me for the rest of my life which capriciously disappeared.

There was a communication also, everyone will get an opportunity to see they are pointing the wrong way some time soon, in your lifetime. We’re getting very close.

Once you’ve seen the beauty you want everyone to see it.

This was why school was never much of a turn on for me, I really only went to see my friends and enjoy the environment, nothing from his world touched the spot.

I lived for a time in a world where I could afford anything I wanted which was for me, the final straw. Proof to me that it wasn’t what I was searching for, a painful walk down a painful path with a great big wooden fence to go crashing through at the bottom. Mostly the pain came from ‘the knowing’, while I was treading this path I knew where it would lead, it wasn’t real.

I knew what I was looking for all through my life, I had a reference point, I just couldn’t find an access method, the solution always on the tip of my tongue, the nourishment just a few feet away dangling capriciously at the end of a stick. My life has always been on the tip of my tongue.  It’s not anymore.

I found out quite quickly one doesn’t need a third party such as religion, cut out the middle man, go direct, hey it’s also free and available to everyone.

01.07.09 Whatever happens doesn’t matter.

Well over half the year has disappeared and I’m having a lot of fun recording my version of it. My transcriptions are of time here, what has happened in the past, but all were all written in the moment.

What some find a little strange about me is that one of my bigger happiness streams is observing other peoples happiness. Take for example my ex wife Deb, never stopped loving her empirically and still send her love, not from me as such but like taking a piece of the universe, thinking of her kindly and saying ‘There you go, have a piece of this’, unconditional love and respect for another soul.

Deb’s recently got re-married and it’s been wonderful to hear that she’s happy, I can hear it in her voice. Now that’s the sort of thing that makes me happy, it feels as though ‘Ok there’s another one on their way, they’ve got what they want in their lives to make it complete. It’ll have ups and downs, that’s the way we learn about ourselves but looking at the bigger picture she has what she wants in her life now, to live it with more of a genuine smile.

A child’s face is the most direct injection of happiness for me, before they have been to school where begins the molding. A new born child has the eyes of unconditional total love, they reflect the universe.

I walked out today in perfect peace, an amazing experience, one of the first, I’ve been practicing days like this for as long as I can remember. It’s a oneness with all thats around you, no judgment, pure acceptance of the moment and no fear. If fear comes in via the mind, it is so easily recognisable and almost embarrassing that I could have been tricked all these years by something that once recognised is so remedial and so ‘of this world’ in it’s sabotage technique.

The practice of not listening to the mind is a constant task i.e. there is always something to practice with. At first the mind is incessant but through the process of realising when it’s on a sabotage mission the mind quietens down.

When you catch the mind out, perhaps a negative projection observe how, if you don’t remain vigilant, it can regroup and come at you again in a totally different direction, this fascinated me. When I said out loud “Here you are again then!” it ran away. “Permanent vigilance is required until you learn to work with your mind, make friends with it. It’s an amazing tool, it’s allowed me to share this with you by way of e.g. Working with me to process my experience and format it in writing.

Am I on my way to creating a treatment for depression, anxiety, fear? I fucking hope so otherwise I’ve spent the last seventeen years researching and retraining myself to look entirely in the wrong direction! Is the mind as clever as that, I mean, it just created the last sentence……I know it’s not.

Your soul has the strength of the universe to see and create a life situation where you can at least have look at the truth, you will see it but it’s whether you act on it, life’s a choice. It’s up to you to learn from that or carry on until your mind trips you out again. Thanks for helping to clarify. Lookin good Eckart x

Eckart Tolle http://www.eckharttolle.com/eckharttolle

Blue Farm - Sussex Downs

Recession – Narcotic Relief

The only way an addict is going to rid him or herself of their addiction is to get low enough to make a decision whether they want live or die. This is the only intervention time for professional help to stand a chance of seeing someone through their ordeal. Once through de-tox they are on the road to getting their feelings back, re-consolidating, where begins a process of self re-creation

I’ve been working long enough in this area to understand this long and sometimes drawn out painful experience is a miricale when it works, however the success rates are minimal.

Alcohol and Narcotics have always played a part in our society but the growth over the past twenty years is getting to phenomenal proportions. I can only put this down to the increasing stress’s, strains and expectations of the ecomical world which is accelerating the dysfuntionality of the Human Race through fear.

Mostly people take drugs because they are fun, they can cause euphoria, give one a glimpse of the Grand Design, cotton wool you through times of unease, slow you down, speed you up and if taken recreationly once in a while cause none nothing else than feeling a bit shitty the next day.

However if you are in crisis and find a drug that can take away or blot out difficult feelings this could become a coping method that if used regularly usually leads to an unwanted addiction.

My concerns are people turning to certain Narcs in the foreseeable future of looming recession, Coke perhaps to look good in your job, on the ball, assertive confident. Alcohol as one sees the writing on the wall that your job and livelihood are in jeopardy, Crack to come up, Heroin to come down, Benzodiazapines and hypnotics in between to level the mental mind chatter.

Once you have an addiction it will be the most important part of your life, it will tell you when you can fart, you will lie to everyone, your partner, your parents and cleverly manipulate your next hit with no love for anything apart for your drug of choice which won’t help the love for yourself.

I had a good chance of riding the last recession but low self esteem set in followed by alcoholic relief, addiction and fear ensured I fucked up large, lost the lot. Try and keep it together eh!

In this current financial crisis no-one has any real idea how to stop it, profits look as though they are going to be privatised where losses are being socialised. The big Blue Chips are being bailed out where the smaller business man is going to be trashed. 700 billion sounds an awful lot of cash but it is still only going to be another finger in the ever decaying leaking dam until it gives way. Like the addict it will have to find its rock bottom to have somewhere to rebuild from.

Just hang on in there as much as you can, blag, manipulate and squat your house if it is going to be repo’d, think laterally but try and do it with a clear head. Good luck all.

Cracks appear in the Illusion

I just caught my mind trying to do a beauty on me, it created an argument between a friend and myself. I started to play it out in my head and our pretend argument began abusive. I was experiencing those feeling physically and mentally in the moment, it was reality. This was pure ego at work reacting to the fact I have rang them twice and they haven’t called back, obviously a blow to it’s never ending search for existence.

My mind is a little bugger sometimes creating this monster but I had a good talk to it. I remarked we could work so well together if you stopped trying to sabotage my connection with my heart, together we can be so strong, Drop who you think I am

I’ve been working on a project for some time now, one I call ‘Ego Soul Separation’ which in its basic form is a tool to be aware of when your mind is pushing you off the path of whatever is in your heart.

Tonight I felt albeit fleetingly what it is like, possible, when the Ego represents the Soul, an emergence of the two a unison a balance, both working as one which is representative of pure unconditional love, the balance some might call God, Vishnu, Bhudda etc which I call the universe and saw at five in it’s never ending entirity without having to take acid! I never had to, it just happened.

People throughout my life who have taken acid and seen the whole thing, the big picture find difficulty expressing that experience such as I, because it’s well beyond language, however they’ve communicated the same feeling which has substantiated what I saw at five.

My experience has also been substantiated by people who have had the same happening without taking acid. They describe as best they can exactly what I saw, in the the same eloquence as Bill Hicks speech about ‘Life is a roller coaster’. It’s the same shit, I’m sure LSD and such natural trips can be a short circuit, although I’m not advocating everyone to throw a tab down their throat (Or am I? Have to think more about that one)

Once you’ve seen the truth it makes it very difficult to fit into the human illusion. The experience of the oneness makes it so apparent that the illusion is so laughable in the perfect symmetry and pure love of the universe. The way that ludicrous collective human energy believes it’s above it all, manipulates for personal gain, competes for shiny ‘things’, controls by Religion all historically felled by ruthless greed. It’s become a huge self validating energy that represents the illusionary cumulative human ego which is now beginning to show at last, it’s ever gaping gaps.

It really does feel there will be point where the balance changes in the not too distant future, more of us are working as one and have easy methods of communicating with each other, read the tweets coming out of Iran for example. People not press, it’s a long shot but perhaps the press will communicate news about what we think is better for us, rather than what our governments tell them to tell us how to live thus tying to trap all into the illusion.

For example The Daily Telegraph has done a sterling job in exposing MP’s expenses, hilarious stories for claims such as a Duck house to mortgages they haven’t had for years. This has caused those guilty across the board in most parties reason to resign or make excuses about early retirement, probably with the money they’ve accrued throughout their Parliamentary career.

Equally I am astounded at what is happening in Iran at present, a peoples uprising against an old medieval demagogic set up utilising religion to control, people sre directly confronting the illusion working as one.

There was a fantastic piece of footage on the news when one of the Iranian policemen crashes his motorbike near the raging crowd. His face was white as he got up ready to be sliced up by the protesters They had just witnessed or been injured by gangs of policeman just like him on motorbikes attacking them with baseball bats. A beautiful moment occurred, a group of men surrounded the policeman and led him to safety, some saying don’t touch this man, it will achieve nothing. The crowd turned their rage back again, not on the human but the system, the illusion, another experience that will be forever branded in my mind as a defining moment such as the napalmed burning girl running screaming from her wiped out village.

A positive contrast for me, comparing those particular embedded memories, the Iran retention is obviously far more positive than the burning girl image. Even though I believe the burning girl footage stopped a war, the Iranian image isn’t at all brutal yet somehow equally defining. Perhaps a representation of how there is positive change afoot.

Recently the news has been full of new mobile phone footage from the Bank of England protests, when a Policeman viciously slaps a woman across the face then smashes her to the ground with his baton, this has been transmitted by the news with views from the people in the front of the crowd. Some nights ago the BBC transmitted footage filmed from the back of the crowd which showed a sea of outstretched arms holding mobiles phones shooting the same incident. Then the newsreader said something to the effect of for years the police have been filming the crowds, now the crowds are filming them. Was this the British Broadcasting Company? I searched for every conspiracy angle as to why the voice of England was in essence speaking honestly for the people. I couldn’t find one, answers on a post card please, still stunned.

I’m confident we’re going to see some global positive change, withal I foresee some un-necessary collateral damage during the process. However, perhaps damage limitation if we all act like that group of Iranian people who showed unconditional love to a fellow human being.